Damn! 2Chainz might seriously take over some shit! Like, Hip-Hop, or something like that. Next DJ I meet that doesn’t have 2Chainz in the serato, I’ma get a model to call him stupid, in person!! If you didn’t know back then, don’t worry too much because the cat is mercyfully out of the duffel bag, boy: Tity Boi is very, highly dope; so listen to his music. For real. Download his mixtapes. Maybe even go sell one of your three chains, just to catch the fuck up.
I have a dirty little secret; a guilty pleasure: I am seriously feeling that Ke$ha lady. To begin with, the bitch is a friggin’ animal. She’s quite sexy in pictures. Beyond that, that song D.I.N.O.S.A.U.R. Is straight dope. No BS, I might go listen to it right now… I’m just a young man! And if it comes down to the brass tacks, yes, I’m hitting on her- wut?!
Gwen Stefanie rolls way too deep with those ninjas and stuff (although her music is obviously bananas), Lady Gaga haunts my nightmares, Miley Cyrus is a country singer, Taylor Swift is not gangster enough and I don’t like her music videos, and Elly Jackson… well that’s Kanye/Hova bitch. And Kreayshawn… Man, that chick cra. I like Ke$ha cuz I know she’s about a dollar and a dope night. That’s fun.
Bro, if you smoke on herbs, don’t trip: I call my shit mushroom clouds. Don’t think too much about that
Straight up, Hip-Hop is not for the faint of heart. Even the women curse; even the nerds are assholes. No disrespect to skateboard P. Rappers aim to insult everyone: women, black man, Eminem, and Asher Roth. They’ll even diss the guy who sings the hook on the song, sometimes. Also, Jin got roasted; he’s so insipid.
Allow me, on this one occasion to explain one little iddy biddy thing: All those fine ass model hoes (we hope they’ll dig us, don’t we?) are often actually that fine. Also, they enjoy dancing. And everyone likes them. And I think they’re probably intelligent young women who don’t mind dressing in oil. For money…
The thing is, no one is less misogynistic than rappers. They employ women. Trust me on that one. You ever see a hot girl dancing near a pile of money? Trust me, fam, if it’s your money, it’s awesome.
As far as we’re concern, it doesn’t get much sweeter than the Girls of Tennis.
As they hit the courts to battle it out at the 2011 US Open in Flushing Meadows, NY, we figured we’d bring to your attention some of the talent you should be checking out over the next couple weeks. Enjoy Epic Sun Readers!
The chick flick, you will get dragged to one, and you will be expected to like it, so how do you survive it? Well as a woman who HATES, HATES, HATES most chick flicks but is not strong enough to endure the shunning that accompanies the comment “not The Notebook, that movie is AWFUL” I have learned how to survive this dreaded social custom, and I will let you in on my secrets.
STEP ONE: AVOIDANCE
There are some movies that many people perceive to be “chick flicks” but actually aren’t, or if they are they are actually quite good. For example, most romantic comedies made during the 1940s-60s are quite funny. Here are my three top “lets watch this instead” movies, and why I love them.
This is my all-time favorite movie of all time. When I get married/common-lawed/knocked-up “As Time Goes By” will be the song that my hubby/legally recognized roomie/baby daddy and I will dance to. Why the movie is great? Its a timeless romance film that is actually a war story. In fact there are 30 minutes of guns, gambling, and war-speak before Ingrid Bergman ever gets on screen. Also for the guy you get to stare at Ingrid Bergman who is just gorgeous, and women we get to stare at Humphrey Bogart. Also whether or not you have seen the movie before you can probably quote most of it-which will make you seem super cultured. “This is the start of a beautiful friendship.” “Round up the usual suspects.” “We will always have Paris” “You will regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday and for the rest of your life” “of all the gin joints in all the world, she had to walk into mine” How can you not love this shit?
2. ANNIE HALL
Or really any 70s era Woody Allen film. Why? They are funny. Outright funny. Thats sorta all I have to say, but if she needs convincing (if she does I have to ask, who is this woman and is she worth it? I mean really!) just point out that Annie Hall was a fashion ICON. It’s like watching the Devil Wears Prada (which is actually a really enjoyable movie, though I would never ask a boy to agree with me on that) without having to sit through The Devil Wears Prada. Also what is funnier than watching a lobster take its revenge on amateur cooks?
3. 500 DAYS OF SUMMER
This movie is just *sigh**swoon* so…*sigh**swoon* good! I really shouldn’t have to convince you to sit through it because I have yet to meet a guy who doesn’t like this movie, I have also yet to meet a girl who doesn’t like this movie, so really you should have been able to think of this on your own.
STEP TWO: THE COMIC BEST FRIEND
If avoidance doesn’t work, like if the movie she wants to see is playing in theatres and you can’t think of a suitable alternative to entice her with, you can at least rely on the fact that these sorts of movies are formulaic which means they all have one saving grace: The Comic Best Friend. Usually the scenes that involve this character if not outright funny, are legitimately enjoyable. So enjoy the scenes that involve this angel of cinematic mercy. Then when you have to sit through all the poorly-written sappy crap you can just think back to a few minutes ago. Example. The main couple are arguing and its supposed to be funny because he’s the stereotype of the “clueless man” and she’s the stereotype of the “crazy-over emotional woman” but its really just insulting to both genders. Instead of watching that just remember the last scene. The thought process will probably go like this: “UGH! Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson are back on screen, but boy wasn’t John Krasinski funny, he is really talented, remember that episode of the office when…oh look he’s back on screen I will now watch the movie again.” TADAA your sanity is saved!
STEP THREE: THE ONLY THING MORE ROMANTIC THAN THAT MOVIE IS THIS SENTENCE
That's Me Falling Head over Heels, Bc You Said This!
Imdb.com and rottentomatoes.com will be your best friends. Why you ask. Plot synopsis my friends plot synopsis. You can find the flaw before you see the movie, and then you can use it as an excuse. But be careful this step is only for the smoothest of operators, because you don’t want to accidentally insult her taste. That will not only end in you having to sit through said movie, but you’d also probably have to spend the next 2-3 days doing things to make it up to her. But if you can pull it off, you will be a GOD. I will use the new Kate Hudson film “Something Borrowed” as an example. I know this works because when I used this line my friend who “really wanted to see it” now refuses to. The synopsis reads as such:
Friendships are tested and secrets come to the surface when terminally single Rachel falls for Dex, her best friend Darcy’s fiancé.
Why won’t I go see it-for the same reason I won’t sit through the goddamn Notebook (I really HATE that fucking film). ahem “I don’t like movies that romanticize cheating. It’s never okay, and I don’t want to sit through a 90 minute justification of something that would kill me if someone ever did it to me.” This will work. It makes you much more romantic than the movie, and you will now get to choose the film.
*SIDEBAR* I once had a very smug co-worker think she had trumped me during one of my rants about the Notebook when she said “but doesn’t Casablanca romanticize cheating?” Which if you are on a date with this girl, and used Step 1 of my survival guide might be a question you have to respond to. The answer is “No. Because Ilsa thought her husband was dead, when she found out he was alive she left Rick to return to him, and when in a moment of weakness she returns to Rick he does the right thing and puts her back on the plane. So no it does not.”
That's Me Kicking My Smug Co-Workers Ass With Logic and Truth
You know how your parents will sometimes call you whenever a bad news story involves anyone with any similarity to you whatsoever? It’s because they saw the pain that another family felt through the loss of a loved one, were reminded how much they appreciate you, thought about something similar happening to their baby and had to give you a shout, just to be sure you knew you were loved, right?
Well there’s a very special…member…of my own family that I feel compelled to recognize based on recent news events. He’s been with me my whole life and never left my side (well, I guess front, technically). He rises with me to greet every morning and is an incomparable tool for me throughout the course of a day, has been a crucial part of my romantic relationships…I even sometimes fall asleep at night with my hand on his head to show him how much I care. The men in the room know exactly who I’m talking about, for we all have similar sidekicks to go through life with us.
Well…most of us, actually. You see, every so often some crazy bitch gets it in her head that the way to happiness in her relationship is to remove her husband’s. Of course, the first known woman to give her husband the shaft (or take it away, in these cases) in this way was that golden calf of unstable females everywhere, Lorena Bobbit. Unscheduled reproductive surgeries (or URS) have fallen to the wayside somewhat in recent years, until earlier this week when a woman by the name of Catherine Becker decided she had had enough of her husband, drugging the man, tying him to a bed, and taking off his…Becker…before dropping it in a garbage disposal and making ground beef.
I saw this vile act and decided “enough”. Too long have women held the threat of a knifing over our heads. This kind of action is inexcusable, and it’s time we let the ladies know about it. If I have my way, this is the last straw (removed from its drink). We can stamp out URS in our lifetime…and all it will take is a little solidarity…and maybe a Facebook fanpage or something. I’ll get on that later…for now, a little love for a muscle that should know plenty about it.
I am a man, and I have a friend
a wonder whose uses do not know an end
it’s the cock of the walk, the ultimate good!
before there was planking, there was always wood!
it’s better than duct tape, or being online
Google can’t help you pee and run at the same time
Some call him Richard, others like Johnson
some have cute pet names, I just call mine “awesome”
the best in the world? That’s up for debate
but it’s better than nothing, cuz having one’s great!
It’s good with the ladies and drains all my fluids
anywhere, anytime! (I don’t know how girls do it!)
it’s utility endless, the best kind of device!
hasn’t changed in eons, first time, got it right!
Since the dawn of time, men have come a long way
from living in caves to our present day
We’ve invented iPods and jet-fueled airplanes
soap and indoor plumbing, control over flames
Slingbox and Roku and Playstation 3
but no invention yet has surpassed it for me
If I was without it, I think I’d just quit
screwdrivers and wrenches have nothing on it
better than smartphones, the original tool!
and taking it off is just never cool
That’s never the answer, no ifs, ands, or buts
and forcing us to live without it, just nuts!
Men, pick your love slowly, with great tact and care
or you too could look like a Ken doll down there
before you choose yourself a partner, recall
you could be at bat…then just left with balls.
Now it can’t be said, you’ll never report
I’m ungrateful for the gift that I have in my shorts
Hello awesome epicsun.com readers! This is my inaugural post, (You can tell because I’m using words like inaugural as opposed to first. Have I impressed you yet?) and as the first female writer (yay estrogen!? Nope, just me…okay) I have spent a lot of time thinking of what I could offer the male readership. The tits and ass that women in media usually provide is sorta useless in blog form, though I’d bet 20 bucks that this sentence has made you think of both tits and ass and for that, you are welcome. Okay enough gendered humor and on to my first post “How To Fake it Like a Woman” and no I don’t mean an orgasm-but the other skills woman have carefully cultivated: how too look classy, cultured, and elegant, without actually having to be so.
If I learned anything when my mothers famous “secret family-recipe” brownies turned out to be Ghiradelli’s boxed brownie mix (which I highly recommend by the way) its that you don’t need to be a good cook, or even an experienced one to be perceived as such. Which takes us to a fool-proof date that will make any woman swoon: cooking for her (candy is dandy, liquor is quicker, but cooking is less morally questionable).That being said its less impressive if a fire is started and a pizza has to be ordered. So here is a fantastic little secret I use whenever I’m trying to remind a guy that not only am I hot as hell but I can bake better than his grandma: www.smittenkitchen.com
Deb Perelman is the brain child behind this brilliant blog where she does all the leg work for you. So yes she posts recipes and pictures, but she also tells you where the recipes lied and what they actually mean. Anyone who cooks with any regularity will probably have stumbled upon 1 or 12 recipes where they switch from “everyman” language to “iron chef” language without any warning and suddenly you are covered in flour and egg whites, which is confusing because you were trying to grill a steak. Well Deb debunks those recipes. Also looking or something specific? All her recipes are categorized- I’ve gone ahead and provided links to my favorite recipes, that if nothing else would have me eating out of the palm of your hand (and therefore whatever young lass you are trying to woo because all woman are the same!…Not actually but if she is thinking she might like you this would be a major PLUS).
This is a recipe to make your own crackers! CRACKERS! Super simple: flour, water and salt, then you can use a store-bought dip! She’s going to walk away thinking that you pay attention to details, which is important for a woman. I don’t know why, but I think Disney told me I was supposed to care about that sort of thing, so now I sorta do.
This is a recipe for Tequila Lime Chicken. Why do I recommend it? Let me repeat what its called- TEQUILA lime CHICKEN! That should really be enough said. Also if the crackers are the appetizer then I figured this would be a nice main course that was in a similar vein as the crackers. But in case you missed my point its TEQUILA lime CHICKEN!
What to make for dessert? Well not to play on stereotypes, but using myself as an example CHOCOLATE, the correct answer is always CHOCOLATE. Unless you are dating a vegan/lactose-intolerant woman in which case you run out to the nearest vegan store and get vegan chocolate. She will be yours (*WARNING* If you are not thinking of a serious future with said vegan/lactose-intolerant lass and you do go out and buy her vegan chocolate and then don’t call her you are a super ass-hole. Don’t mess with a woman and her chocolate.) Anyway this recipe is probably not the best with our Tex-Mex theme, in fact don’t serve these with the Tequila Chicken. But they are delicious and manly. They are (drum roll please):
CHOCOLATE WHISKY AND BEER CUPCAKES!
If the girl you are wooing can’t shoot whisky and doesn’t like beer (if either or both of those are true I question your taste in women by the way) she will definitely like these. And if your friends are making fun of you for baking you can tell them to shove it, because there was whisky and beer involved, and you got laid (which again, if you make these, you will).
Aight, so you’re a sports fan. You follow your team passionately, and have been doing so since you can remember. You know all the players, you watch every game, you watch SportsCenter for all the latest updates, you check up on the team website, and not as much as an assistant coach change slips by without your notice. Your team of choice is a big part of your life, and as a sports fan you’re usually surrounded by other sports fans who understand exactly what you’re going through and sympathize with the highs and lows that fanhood brings to your life, and you’re perfectly happy as long as the game is in season (and your team wins).
Then it happens. You get a girlfriend (I say “girlfriend” because this is mostly a male problem, but it’s not unheard of for the roles to be reversed…if you were smart, you would have gotten one that likes, or at least tolerates, sports…) and she wants to immediately be promoted over your team to absolute priority status, believing that any other course of action means that you love a bunch of colorful outfits and a ball more than her, and that’s just absurd. You don’t love them more, just differently…but she has no ear for it, demanding team time be sacrificed in favor of household chores, boring errands or…”talking about us”. To the vexation of many a man, she will interrupt gametime for meaningless nonsense…after all, “it’s just a game”.
It’s not her fault, she doesn’t understand why it’s important. All she sees is that when she wants your attention, it’s on the game. Sure, you could increase her understanding by walking up to her next time she’s fixated on some Lifetime movie or reality bitch promenade, smacking all the bonbons out of her hand, snatching the remote, lightly tossing it over your shoulder and asking for a blowjob…after all, “it’s just a movie”. It’s rude and uncalled for, but it’s a direct parallel. They don’t understand that either…but what everyone understands (or better understand) are legally binding documents. In that spirit, I bring you just that…here it is: the Prevent Defense. Just have her read and sign this…or just sign it…and you’re bulletproof…(or if not, you can sue the bitch!):
I, ________(girlfriend), of sound mind and sound body, am in a relationship with my boyfriend, _________(boyfriend). I understand and recognize that he was a fan of _______(sport), and ________ (name of team) long before he was a fan of me. I also understand that the love he has for (name of team) and the love he has for me are two totally different things, and that jealousy over the situation does no good. Therefore, I do hereby pledge that I will not make requests of (boyfriend) during Gametime (defined as a period beginning 15 minutes before and ending 15 minutes after the conclusion of any regular season game) that do not require “Immediate Attention”.
1b) “Immediate Attention”:
“Immediate Attention” is a period of up to 10 seconds (or until the play is over). Events that require “Immediate Attention” are those that present a clear and present danger to the lives or safety of those it affects. Examples of such events include house fires, children in danger, and intruders of any kind. Examples of such events do not include house work, children in mommy’s room, or door-to-door solictiors of any kind. Sexual activity may be considered to require immediate attention at the discretion of (boyfriend).
While (boyfriend) should be open to and patient about teaching me about the game he’s watching, it is my responsibility to make a decision before Gametime on whether I wish to observe with him or not. If I decline, I realize that is not my pass to sit around and ask “why (boyfriend) even watches this stuff” or “how this game is so stupid.” I also realize that if the game is so stupid and watching it is inexplicable, then watching it purely to make negative comments, waste time, and annoy the holy hell out of (boyfriend) in the process is inexplicably stupid. If I do not want to watch the game, I pledge to find something else to do.
Talking during the game about non-game related subjects is both distracting and ineffective, since (boyfriend) is probably not listening to me anyway. However, should it become necessary, it should be kept to a minimum of both length and emotional content. I realize that his attention is on the game for the next 4 hours or so, and any deep conversations will likely be forgotten, or worse, interrupted by a response to game events. This is part of (boyfriend’s) personality, and I hereby pledge to get the fuck over it.
I, (girlfriend), while not obligated to do anything special when (name of team) loses, also pledge not to make it worse by saying things like “it wouldn’t have happened if you had paid attention to me” or “that’s what you get for spending all afternoon watching a stupid game and cursing at the TV”. I realize that this behavior may result in the cursing that was hurled at the TV being redirected. I also realize I deserve it because I was an incendiary little dogwife.
4) Special Events
While I now understand that (name of team) are important to (boyfriend), I also see in a way he can’t from the inside that a few major events per year may be more important than the game. As a result, I am allotted 1 (one) pass per 16 games to drag (boyfriend) to something during gametime. I understand that him even missing watching the game of his own volition is a sacrifice, and I will not prevent him from checking the score on his smartphone or a nearby TV.
5) Playoffs/Championship Games
I, (girlfriend), realize the playoffs are even more important than regular games, as they represent the path to the entire reason anybody watches any sport. I also understand that (name of team) making the playoffs is a special occurence that does not happen every year. As a result, I promise to treat them, and his scheduling of events around them, with the appropriate respect with regards to this agreement. Also, the Special Event pass is suspended unless (boyfriend) agrees to waive this clause.
6) Team Choice
If I, (girlfriend), do somehow end up liking the game or sport, I understand that it is expected that I root for the same team as (boyfriend). Failure to do so, and especially the choice of a rival team, may have unpredictable but uniformally undesirable effects, all of which I accept as a condition of becoming a sports fan.
In return for my complete compliance with all terms and conditions presented in this document, (boyfriend) must perform any and all reponsibilities outside of Gametime understood to be a part of our relationship to the best of his ability. In addition, I may request 1 (one) special favor per game day, subject to approval by (boyfriend) to be performed outside the hours of Gametime. Also, I deserve really great birthday and anniversary gifts.
Minor breaches of contract will be handled surprisingly fast so (boyfriend) can get back to watching the game. Any severe breach of this contract may include penalties up to and including termination and monetary compensation rivaling a celebrity divorce settlement. By signing this contract, I indicate that I accept and agree to all terms therein. This contract takes effect immediately at or retroactive to the start of the active sports season (name of team) participates in.
With the superhero flick The Green Lantern hitting theaters on June 17th, I thought I would remind everyone that Blake Lively is a super babe. Despite computer generated pig-men and Ryan Reynolds not in Van Wilder mode, the movie has potential thanks to the lovely Miss Lively. She totally won me over as a legitimate actress in The Town when she showed her versatility and really proved she had some acting chops.