Hip-Hop is not dead. Slow people, please put your Nas CDs down. Now pick your Nas CD filled CD players up. Radio Raheem. Once, Hip-Hop fell down some stairs and was dead. How I know? Nasir taught me. Now, she is back in full muthafuckin’ effect, beating up the parents all over the house. Kiss you teeth real loud one time if you feel me, right in front of whoever yo momma has over for company. Rappers are back living large, dancing dumb, and saying that type of shit ain’t nobody sensible saying, hoe. Don’t tell grandma I said that, snitch. You know who told me all this, though? Rappers did! These folks, as of, like OFWGKTA, Chiddy Bang, Kendrick, Wiz and a whole lot of other arrogant mugs making music that I can *ahem* fuck with; as a young dude. That ‘frankly, I just don’t give much of a fuck, and we’re dope’ attitude. Even if I don’t end up listening to everyone, I’m still pretty happy about the state of rap music of late. Maybe I’ma still mainly bump that navy blue diamond, UGK and other old folk. James Brown. If ever I’m really in that trippin, wildin’, frontin, spazzing, N.E.R.D English type of a mood, one of those 32 joints in a row type of mood, you know Wiz and the Hippies is coming up on the dial. Same with Ye, same with Busta, but I’m saying: this is the right now. I don’t listen to tons of different rappers, but I’m trying to hear what’s hot, and that man Meek Mill is out here doing something. 2 Chainz is hella impressive and K.R.I.T. best drop some hotness, now! Some more hotness that is. Go Miami Heat, also, in completely unrelated shit. Good game, last game, or whatever…
The G.O.OG. family is expected to deliver that summer time ultra party, sweaty rag steezy eventually (I’m not sure if it will have a particularly party vibe, but I think MERCY bangs, I don’t care about what anyone has to say about it! Swerve.) Maybe that strange Childish Gambino fellow might drop another F-Bomb from one time out in band camp. Maybe a Hip-hop producer will give Lupe a call. LOL, flippant lazer…
Maybe, just maybe Drizzy Drake Drakard will… rap! Hopefully Kid Cudi will, and Kid Cudi will too. Sounds good, right? Well fuck that. Where’s Jay at? The T.O. maybe? Nahhhhhhh
See, these days, there’s a really nice cascade in the hall of rappers- you know, the dudes that decided to cut class, the guys who got kicked out, the guy who stepped out for a piss, the guys who stepped out for a chat with the principal, that fool with the hall pass, and the annoying ass girls that follow everybody around and shyt… Sounds Fab, right? Much love to all those who graduated.
Get it? If not, you need to ride around a little more, smoking too pox.
Gettin’ it? Two? Pox?
(come here, baby. Yea. Yea take that. TakethatandgetmesomesugarcookiesbeforeyouneedanotherbandaiWoah. I like your watch, bro!)
Saturday, March 17, 2012 · Dovi Henry · No Comments
First and foremost, shoutout my nigga Koni. Tell Kofi I said ‘hello,’ anon. G, you know all these bitch niggas keep using your name for talking too tough. Don’t stress, family! You know we hold you down like nylon pants. lawl Also, fuck you. Stop touching on all the lil kids. You’re not a priest, my nigga. You need to take down the Mike Jackson poster, for real though. Just take a seat, kick back, and let me give you a little bit of strong advice. Because my bitches have nothing better to discuss lately than you and all this messed up ‘good weather’. It’s bullshit.
What you need to do is just chill on all the 50 Cent torrents. You cannot recreate the G-unit, and I do not care how successful you’ve been in your attempts. That shit is not real life, and all them lil’ African women gave birth to all those kids by choice. Stop stealing them, stop giving them automatic weapons. Making me feel nerfous. I mean, I know you tryna hold it down for the whole fam, which means your ten or twelve kids (not including female offspring, I know how y’all get down) and their five or six thousand little scrappy punk-ass friends. What do you get when you put 29 people under the age of 17 in one room, and give them old Beanie Sigel mixtapes? A fucking militia! So stop it nigga! You African, muhfucka! You a Congo drum beating… asshole! Don’t you know Madonna or somebody ballin’ like that might buy them kids? Cash, dawg! America, British, maybe even Canadian dollars. So why you trippin’? I mean, you gotta figure out a way to catch some younger children (you know they stop being cute when they turn 12) … or somehow produce some chemically… but you know what I’m about.
Also, I hear that nigga Barack been searching for less bitch-made soldiers. Ones who actually think war is a videogame. You clearly make Colin look like a lil biatch! haha yea. Maybe you could get a job with Biggerer Brother. But seriously though: you’re about to cause a ruckus. Just chill.
Secondly, all y’all haters, y’all facebook blahblahblah type kids, and white people in general, shut your mouth. The more people are interested in Africa, the more Africa will know that we’re over here, listening to Waka Flocka Flame music all shamelesly, refusing to read books and not actually catching any pokemon- except maybe a few espions… We don’t actually murder people or arbitrarily decide to around these parts. Duh. I do not want that Koni guy thinking he can just send his stupid little army over the sea. I don’t need that beef, alright? Just leave him alone, aren’t a bunch of angry Iriquous enough? Jeez!
I have a suggestion: here’s what we do. Fill a bunch of planes with old Erika Badu tapes, all the copies of Food & Liquor you can find, because Koni obviously only heard that one song, or maybe that similar song that came out earlier. Also hit up Welcome Back. I’ll donate my copy, and I’m sure Ma$e wouldn’t mind letting go of a few hundred copies himself. Load em up, then just drop em like it’s hot. Make it rain over those little Congolese child soldiers so they can get some real shit in their life. No Bono. Get Jay-Z to autograph a copy of Kingdom Come (if he has any copies left in his mansion in Paris or the Vatican or wherever that nigga be at these days) and let me straight up deliver it to dude.
Because I been going to school. I read The Republic. I know it’s fucked up to try to claim you want somebody drop. Do it yourself, fucker #nopoison. To take a life yourself, and to order the removal of a soul from this plane are equivalent. That would be conspiracy. No court? No appeals, you just want that nigga to die? Really? Fuck, what’s a little effortless publicity, right? Well, put it this way: I don’t give a shit about one more person. People kill theyself daily, it’s tough out here! You gotta bring little children into my day to day like that? That’s small, Koni… fuck, man, that’s some small shit. I’m still annoyed about Katrina, bro.
It is time to be strong. The ills of many sick days beleager us yet, but we are what we are, especially when we are. Indeed, Hip-Hop is our baby; however, in the coming and present times, we must be happy to share: Any Tom, Dick, or Hare Krishna can drop those nasty extra non-virgin flows, my income. It’s no longer a race thing at all; even bitches seem to like to bark. My question is a simple one; it is this: Is you ‘hood enough, player? Cuz I got plenty too’s cous.
Some niggas just can’t handle the truth, so we pop ‘em in the mouth. That’s word to common men.
The verdict is in. John Galliano was fined $8,421 USD ($6,000 euro) for being drunkenly mean to the jews. Actually that’s a little trite, he got fined for making horribly offensive anti-semitic comments. And that got me thinking, there are a lot of famous people who say really stupidly mean things that target one group of people. In other words their “nanny-nanny-poo-poo” behavior from when they were three developed into “HOLY RACIST BATMAN!” Here is my list of the most racist famous people-and my sentence for their meanness.
Don't Expect a Line of Dior Yamakas Anytime Soon
John Galliano- He hurled anti-Semitic slurs at a couple while in a bar in Paris. And was fined a lot of money-but here’s the thing folks…is that enough. Sure he lost his position at Dior and has suffered tremendous backlash from the fashion industry-but what bout the crimes he committed while at Dior? What crimes you ask? Making tremendously yummy clothes and shoes that I a poor working actor CAN NOT AFFORD. For that crime against not rich people (and we are a really BIG group Mr. Galliano) I sentence him to give 3 skirts, 12 dresses, 2 pants, 42 shoes, 8 blouses to me in symbolic damages. Pay up Galliano.
So This Is Fine But Blackface Is Just Sooooo Offensive!?
Mel Gibson- He “owns Malibu” much to the chagrin of sergeant “sugar tits” and also doesn’t like the Jews all that much (why do famous people hate on the Jews all the time…seriously why ya gotta hate?). So how to sentence this man, its difficult. Like Galliano he is immensely talented, but unlike Galliano he is racist AND sexist. I thereby sentence Gibson to give me Malibu and the 106 min of my life that I wasted on Signs.
Son I Think It's Time We Had The Talk...Girls Come In 'Different' Colors...
Dog The Bounty Hunter- He couldn’t have been all that racist all the time, because his son thought that it was a good idea to date a black woman. Seems reasonable to me. Well Dog Sr. was heard dropping the “n” bomb a lot while telling his son to dump her (please note I do not know if her being black was a factor in why he wanted his son to dump the girl). I’m sorry unless you are a black rapper IT IS NOT OKAY TO USE THE ‘N’ WORD! Why? BECAUSE ITS RACIST!!!!!!! So Mr. Bounty Hunter I sentence you to $1 million that must be collected by yourself. That’s right, you will spend all eternity chasing your own tail!
You Talking To Me...YOU TALKING TO ME ***** ****** ****** ****!!!!
Michael Richards- Okay if you haven’t seen this rant at this point you live under a rock. But just in case here’s a quick summery: Michael Richards was bombing doing stand up, got heckled (which really is just a hazard of the trade-granted an unpleasant one), and then decided to carpet bomb the club with ‘N’ bombs. Alright Mr. Richards-time to pay the pied piper. I sentence you to…nothing. I feel like being you everyday is probably punishment enough!
I'm Sorry Were Expecting PC From Little Old ME? WELL FUCK YOU TOO!
Sarah Silverman- So Miss Silverman got in a lot of hot water after using a racial slur in a joke on the Connan O’Brian show. What slur did she use…hmmm…how do I put this gracefully? If you were going fight a knight, you would want to aim for the _blank_ in the Armor. If you didn’t get it then I sentence you to do more mad libs. But its a word thats mean to Chinese people. Here’s the thing though folks, the point of the joke was anti-racist. So whats your sentence Silverman. Its a reverse one, I actually award you for being a.) the ONLY female on this list (represent represent) b.) being the only racist who isn’ actually racist! So what do you win? BEN AFFLECK AND MATT DAMON! You’re welcome!
Buzz about Governor Rick Perry running for the nomination has been spreading like wildflower in the Southern States. He can often be heard running on platforms that mainly relate to his “successful management” of the Economic Recession in Texas. But this successful management is nothing short of a withholding of promised funds that were raised from taxpayer dollars that were already promised to public institutions , including many public school systems. The figure is around $41 million dollars total that was taken from the public, but is being reported as “extra revenue” in Texas. In other words, Rick Perry is taking taxpayer money from the public and our public education system and storing it in his treasury so that one day he if he decides to run for office, he can point and say, “See, I know how to run a country! During the recession, MY state MADE money!”. With stat juking and scheming like this, along with his ‘good old boy Texan’ persona (sound familiar?), he may yet prove to be a very difficult adversary for Obama to face in the coming election.
The much used line, “Our founding fathers intended-” seems to be one of common use in political debates today, whether it be on a televised national level, or just some average Joes talking amongst themselves. Now before I dive into this, let me just say that I have a very strong admiration for our founding fathers and am eternally grateful for everything they did in making our great country great. That being said, the founding fathers created the foundation for a nation based on what they believed needed to be done AT THAT TIME. “That time”, however, was the 1700s. So why is it that so many American’s seem to magically know what it was the founding fathers would have wanted today? Furthermore, why is it relevant? We live in a world that has an exponentially higher population rate than theirs did, and we now have knowledge of things that they could never even begin to comprehend. Yes they are all great men, and yes they were VERY intelligent, but they could never have understood just how successful, and just how much growth their nation would yield through the centuries. We owe them our respect, but we do not need to reference them at every political crossroads or problem we encounter. Common sense worked in the 1700s, heck MAYBE even in the 1800s. But as a nation, we cannot continue spreading the belief that COMPLEX economic issues, based in one of the most complicated economic machines known to man, all have COMMON SENSE answers. I tip my hat to the founders, but they are not the instruction manual on how to run a country over 200 years later. It’s like using a Playstation 1 instruction manual to fix your Playstation 300.
Lately there seems to be a resurgence in “blaming the bums” amongst residents in the Texas area. The unemployment rate is rather high right now, yet the number of times I’m hearing the “Why don’t they just get a job?” argument seems to be increasing with it as well. However trying to point out this blatant contradiction in the argument will likely get you nowhere, and instead will cause the topic to shift over to…you guessed it, President Obama. It seems fairly commonplace in the South for people to dislike him first, then they decide why and how they reached that conclusion after the fact. Discount or disprove any of their stated reasons and its on to the next myth/completely made up accusation. One woman, who shall remain anonymous, claims she was laid off from work solely because of President Obama. I then asked her when she was laid off from her long time job. After checking her paperwork she said she was notified of the lay offs on January 1, 2009, almost three weeks before he took office! I mentioned that it was actually impossible that she lost her job because of him and explained that he was not sworn in until January 20. “No, he swore in before that” she said. So I thought to further prove her wrong by showing her the official record of his inauguration online. Her husband promptly called me ignorant and something other than my given name, and asked me to leave. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for debating policy and facts, what could be done better or should not have been done at all. But it really does begin to wear a man down, arguing against phrases such as “He never dun did put his hand on the Bible when he swure in, I seent it!” That’s an easy one right? Just show them the video and prove them wrong. Nope. Tried that one too. I suppose I should just resign myself to people blaming anything and everything that doesn’t go right for them to be Obama’s fault. So if your dog just passed away, you cut yourself shaving, or you didn’t ace that last exam, don’t fret! Rest easy knowing it isn’t your fault, Obama did it. “Now Bush…he was a good ol’ Texas boy.” says one Texas native. “Isn’t he from Connecticut or something?” I ask. I’m promptly given the stink eye and reprimanded with “You one of them liberal types ain’t ya?” And that, at least, is true.
