If You Can’t Pay the Fine Don’t Pun the Wildly Inappropriate Rhyme

The verdict is in. John Galliano was fined $8,421 USD ($6,000 euro) for being drunkenly mean to the jews. Actually that’s a little trite, he got fined for making horribly offensive anti-semitic comments. And that got me thinking, there are a lot of famous people who say really stupidly mean things that target one group of people. In other words their “nanny-nanny-poo-poo” behavior from when they were three developed into “HOLY RACIST BATMAN!” Here is my list of the most racist famous people-and my sentence for their meanness.

John Galliano- He hurled anti-Semitic slurs at a couple while in a bar in Paris. And was fined a lot of money-but here’s the thing folks…is that enough. Sure he lost his position at Dior and has suffered tremendous backlash from the fashion industry-but what bout the crimes he committed while at Dior? What crimes you ask? Making tremendously yummy clothes and shoes that I a poor working actor CAN NOT AFFORD. For that crime against not rich people (and we are a really BIG group Mr. Galliano) I sentence him to give 3 skirts, 12 dresses, 2 pants, 42 shoes, 8 blouses to me in symbolic damages. Pay up Galliano.

Mel Gibson- He “owns Malibu” much to the chagrin of sergeant “sugar tits” and also doesn’t like the Jews all that much (why do famous people hate on the Jews all the time…seriously why ya gotta hate?). So how to sentence this man, its difficult. Like Galliano he is immensely talented, but unlike Galliano he is racist AND sexist. I thereby sentence Gibson to give me Malibu and the 106 min of my life that I wasted on Signs.

Dog The Bounty Hunter- He couldn’t have been all that racist all the time, because his son thought that it was a good idea to date a black woman. Seems reasonable to me. Well Dog Sr. was heard dropping the “n” bomb a lot while telling his son to dump her (please note I do not know if her being black was a factor in why he wanted his son to dump the girl). I’m sorry unless you are a black rapper IT IS NOT OKAY TO USE THE ‘N’ WORD! Why? BECAUSE ITS RACIST!!!!!!! So Mr. Bounty Hunter I sentence you to $1 million that must be collected by yourself. That’s right, you will spend all eternity chasing your own tail!

Michael Richards- Okay if you haven’t seen this rant at this point you live under a rock. But just in case here’s a quick summery: Michael Richards was bombing doing stand up, got heckled (which really is just a hazard of the trade-granted an unpleasant one), and then decided to carpet bomb the club with ‘N’ bombs. Alright Mr. Richards-time to pay the pied piper. I sentence you to…nothing. I feel like being you everyday is probably punishment enough!

Sarah Silverman- So Miss Silverman got in a lot of hot water after using a racial slur in a joke on the Connan O’Brian show. What slur did she use…hmmm…how do I put this gracefully? If you were going fight a knight, you would want to aim for the _blank_ in the Armor. If you didn’t get it then I sentence you to do more mad libs. But its a word thats mean to Chinese people. Here’s the thing though folks, the point of the joke was anti-racist. So whats your sentence Silverman. Its a reverse one, I actually award you for being a.) the ONLY female on this list (represent represent) b.) being the only racist who isn’ actually racist! So what do you win? BEN AFFLECK AND MATT DAMON! You’re welcome!

Nas Live @ Rock The Bells

 

Nas performs the first verse he ever recorded at Rock The Bells 2011 in New York City with The Main Source. One of many classic songs that were performed on that night by the legendary emcee.

Puff, Puff, Give- A Field Guide to Smoker Decorum

People like myself with certain recreational habits are said to be part of the cannabis subculture. It is, by necessity, a somewhat tightlly knit group, bound together by the rejection of polite society. In every culture and subculture, there is an understood code of conduct, a decorum, which must be adhered to in order to maintain good standing within one’s circle…and smoking circles are no different. A smoking circle, also known as a “session”, a “rotation”, a “potluck”, a “cypher” and a “smokeout”, among countless regional variants, is the scene for a communal cannabis ingestion.

 

Ideally, it should involve a small group of friendly people gathering together with pooled materials and a common goal…blazing. Within this group, as long as the proper decorum is followed, there are good times to be had by all involved. However, it has become increasingly apparent to me that this ettiquette is either poorly understood, undefined, unheard of by many those it governs. Other than the titular rule, which even nonsmokers are familiar with, I see many cardinal rules of cypher conduct wontonly flouted on a daily basis. For that reason, I bring you “Puff, Puff, Give: a Field Guide to Smoker Decorum.”

 

I- Puff, Puff, Give

There’s a reason this one is first…it’s one of the most fundamental rules in all of smokerdom. It refers to the number of pulls permitted on a rolled smokable before one must pass the cannabis conduit to his right (or to his left on the other side of the equator). Failure to follow this rule is referred to as “Hoovering”, is regarded as an egregious faux pas, and can result in ejection from the circle or even permanent blackballing from all circles. An interesting note here is that the purchaser of the weed may take as many consecutive puffs as he desires if he also owns the medium used to ingest it, however, this clause is rarely invoked due to it being seen as anti-social and kind of a dick move.

II- Passing Motions

One of the most underfollowed rules of smokerdom involves the making of clear passing motions. You see, an inherent effect of heavy cannabis use like the kind common in smoking circles is temporarily decreased motor skills (or more likely, the temporarily decreased inclination to use them). This leads to, among other laziness, weak passing motions. These often go unnoticed by the recipient, and can leave a smokable in limbo between smokers for as long as 2 minutes, wasting valuable weed in the process. Therefore, all passing motions should be clear in intent to the point of being demonstrative if necessary, and also be accompanied by a verbal alert to minimize wasted smoke. Passes should go without incident, but in some areas, in the event one or the other drops the conduit, he forfeits one turn with it.

 

III- Smoke OR Talk

Never both. Narration and postulation while high are very involved processes which involve intense cerebration and mental resources as well as the use of one’s mouth. This, in most cases, leaves a smokable hanging in the balance, evaporating into thin air as the holder of it pontificates on something important, like the best flavor of Doritos. While it may be pertinent, someone else could be smoking while the speaker is speaking…so they should. Esteemed weed philosopher Smokey from Friday summed it up thusly: “Either be smoking, or be passing.”

 

IV- Ash before you Pass

Every smoker who has smoked over zero times has dropped ash on his or her clothing. We’ve all seen that long clump of what I imagine snow looks like in hell precariously dangling off the end of a lit item, waiting to fall on something. It somehow stains any color fabric, and can even contain embers that can burn cloth or skin. Ash is a natural byproduct of combustion, and smoking a blunt falls into that category…ash is there, and there’s nothing you can do about it…well, besides keep it in an ashtray. Ashtrays, properly used, minimize the risk of ash-related difficulties inherent to blazing…as such, they should be utilized at every available opportunity. A good way to remember this important step in the smoking process is to ash the smokable before you pass it to someone else.

 

V- Match Up

Whenever possible, one should bring a fair share of weed with them to any smokeout. This weed should be both of adequate amount and potency that no party involved should experience a decline in their quality of smoking based on the fact that they decided to invite someone else. It is understood in the smoker community that it may not always be attainable due to it’s murky legal status and wildly varying potency, however an effort should always be made to do so. If you absolutely cannot obtain any, but have the funds to do so if you could, a small donation to your friend is seen as classy.

 

VI- Bring Something

As said before, it’s not the end of the world if you can’t find anything to match up with. If it indeed becomes impossible to show up with your share of the good stuff, there are other materials required during the course of a session that you may be able to provide. Examples of these include dutches, papers, wraps (referred to collectively as “wrapping papers“), pipe screens for those who use bowls, bongs and the like, food for the munchies, cigarettes for those who use them to accentuate their high, or even just decent conversation. Showing up empty handed every time is a great way not to be invited to show up any more.

 

VII- Repay all Free Smokeouts

Commonly, smokers encounter situations when they do not have weed and a friend does. This may even go on for an extended period. In close company, this is usually seen as immaterial, but is always met with the expectation that the favor will be returned if the roles are reversed. It is seen as grave disrespect to smoke up a friend’s stash, yet be nowhere to be found when you get yours. It is the responsiblity of the repayer to notify the repayee of his ability to repay as his earliest convenience. Failure to follow this guideline will result in you burning bridges instead of bud. Seriously, don’t be that guy.

 

Well, that’s about all I got…hopefully, after reading this guide, the people that have use for this information will not only put it to good use, but spread it for the benefit of the cannabis subculture as a whole. Now, if you’ll excuse me…I’ve gotta go do some more research…for umf, I’m AJ. Thank you and good flight…