Aight, so you’re a sports fan. You follow your team passionately, and have been doing so since you can remember. You know all the players, you watch every game, you watch SportsCenter for all the latest updates, you check up on the team website, and not as much as an assistant coach change slips by without your notice. Your team of choice is a big part of your life, and as a sports fan you’re usually surrounded by other sports fans who understand exactly what you’re going through and sympathize with the highs and lows that fanhood brings to your life, and you’re perfectly happy as long as the game is in season (and your team wins).
Then it happens. You get a girlfriend (I say “girlfriend” because this is mostly a male problem, but it’s not unheard of for the roles to be reversed…if you were smart, you would have gotten one that likes, or at least tolerates, sports…) and she wants to immediately be promoted over your team to absolute priority status, believing that any other course of action means that you love a bunch of colorful outfits and a ball more than her, and that’s just absurd. You don’t love them more, just differently…but she has no ear for it, demanding team time be sacrificed in favor of household chores, boring errands or…”talking about us”. To the vexation of many a man, she will interrupt gametime for meaningless nonsense…after all, “it’s just a game”.
It’s not her fault, she doesn’t understand why it’s important. All she sees is that when she wants your attention, it’s on the game. Sure, you could increase her understanding by walking up to her next time she’s fixated on some Lifetime movie or reality bitch promenade, smacking all the bonbons out of her hand, snatching the remote, lightly tossing it over your shoulder and asking for a blowjob…after all, “it’s just a movie”. It’s rude and uncalled for, but it’s a direct parallel. They don’t understand that either…but what everyone understands (or better understand) are legally binding documents. In that spirit, I bring you just that…here it is: the Prevent Defense. Just have her read and sign this…or just sign it…and you’re bulletproof…(or if not, you can sue the bitch!):
I, ________(girlfriend), of sound mind and sound body, am in a relationship with my boyfriend, _________(boyfriend). I understand and recognize that he was a fan of _______(sport), and ________ (name of team) long before he was a fan of me. I also understand that the love he has for (name of team) and the love he has for me are two totally different things, and that jealousy over the situation does no good. Therefore, I do hereby pledge that I will not make requests of (boyfriend) during Gametime (defined as a period beginning 15 minutes before and ending 15 minutes after the conclusion of any regular season game) that do not require “Immediate Attention”.
1b) “Immediate Attention”:
“Immediate Attention” is a period of up to 10 seconds (or until the play is over). Events that require “Immediate Attention” are those that present a clear and present danger to the lives or safety of those it affects. Examples of such events include house fires, children in danger, and intruders of any kind. Examples of such events do not include house work, children in mommy’s room, or door-to-door solictiors of any kind. Sexual activity may be considered to require immediate attention at the discretion of (boyfriend).
While (boyfriend) should be open to and patient about teaching me about the game he’s watching, it is my responsibility to make a decision before Gametime on whether I wish to observe with him or not. If I decline, I realize that is not my pass to sit around and ask “why (boyfriend) even watches this stuff” or “how this game is so stupid.” I also realize that if the game is so stupid and watching it is inexplicable, then watching it purely to make negative comments, waste time, and annoy the holy hell out of (boyfriend) in the process is inexplicably stupid. If I do not want to watch the game, I pledge to find something else to do.
Talking during the game about non-game related subjects is both distracting and ineffective, since (boyfriend) is probably not listening to me anyway. However, should it become necessary, it should be kept to a minimum of both length and emotional content. I realize that his attention is on the game for the next 4 hours or so, and any deep conversations will likely be forgotten, or worse, interrupted by a response to game events. This is part of (boyfriend’s) personality, and I hereby pledge to get the fuck over it.
I, (girlfriend), while not obligated to do anything special when (name of team) loses, also pledge not to make it worse by saying things like “it wouldn’t have happened if you had paid attention to me” or “that’s what you get for spending all afternoon watching a stupid game and cursing at the TV”. I realize that this behavior may result in the cursing that was hurled at the TV being redirected. I also realize I deserve it because I was an incendiary little dogwife.
4) Special Events
While I now understand that (name of team) are important to (boyfriend), I also see in a way he can’t from the inside that a few major events per year may be more important than the game. As a result, I am allotted 1 (one) pass per 16 games to drag (boyfriend) to something during gametime. I understand that him even missing watching the game of his own volition is a sacrifice, and I will not prevent him from checking the score on his smartphone or a nearby TV.
5) Playoffs/Championship Games
I, (girlfriend), realize the playoffs are even more important than regular games, as they represent the path to the entire reason anybody watches any sport. I also understand that (name of team) making the playoffs is a special occurence that does not happen every year. As a result, I promise to treat them, and his scheduling of events around them, with the appropriate respect with regards to this agreement. Also, the Special Event pass is suspended unless (boyfriend) agrees to waive this clause.
6) Team Choice
If I, (girlfriend), do somehow end up liking the game or sport, I understand that it is expected that I root for the same team as (boyfriend). Failure to do so, and especially the choice of a rival team, may have unpredictable but uniformally undesirable effects, all of which I accept as a condition of becoming a sports fan.
In return for my complete compliance with all terms and conditions presented in this document, (boyfriend) must perform any and all reponsibilities outside of Gametime understood to be a part of our relationship to the best of his ability. In addition, I may request 1 (one) special favor per game day, subject to approval by (boyfriend) to be performed outside the hours of Gametime. Also, I deserve really great birthday and anniversary gifts.
Minor breaches of contract will be handled surprisingly fast so (boyfriend) can get back to watching the game. Any severe breach of this contract may include penalties up to and including termination and monetary compensation rivaling a celebrity divorce settlement. By signing this contract, I indicate that I accept and agree to all terms therein. This contract takes effect immediately at or retroactive to the start of the active sports season (name of team) participates in.
AJ Moses is a guest contributor for EpicSun.com read more of him at: http://undermyfitted.blogspot.com/